The Perfectionism Trap: When High Standards Harm Your Wellbeing
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is often misunderstood. On the surface, it can look like ambition, attention to detail, or having high standards. But underneath, it’s frequently driven by fear—of failure, of not being good enough, of being judged. Perfectionism can be relentless, pushing people to succeed at all costs while never allowing them to feel satisfied or “good enough.”
At our Tunbridge Wells clinic, we often work with individuals who seem outwardly capable and driven, but who are quietly exhausted by their own internal expectations. If your best never feels quite good enough, or if you avoid things for fear of not doing them perfectly, you may be stuck in the perfectionism trap.
When High Standards Become a Problem
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do well. Healthy striving can motivate us to grow, improve, and take pride in our work. But perfectionism crosses the line when:
Mistakes feel catastrophic
You’re constantly self-critical
You avoid starting tasks for fear of not doing them perfectly
Rest or leisure time feels “undeserved”
Achievements bring only fleeting relief before the next pressure sets in
You struggle to delegate or accept help
You procrastinate, not because you’re lazy, but because the standards feel overwhelming
Perfectionism often shows up in school, work, parenting, and even social life. It can make life feel like a constant performance, where there’s no room to make mistakes or show vulnerability.
The Hidden Toll of Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t just a personality quirk—it can have a real impact on mental health. It’s strongly linked with:
Anxiety
Depression
Burnout
Low self-esteem
Eating disorders
OCD-like behaviours
Difficulty maintaining relationships
That inner voice saying “not good enough” rarely rests. Even small setbacks can lead to harsh self-judgement, rumination, or avoidance. And because perfectionism is often praised in our culture, it can take a long time to recognise it as something that’s harming rather than helping.
Why Perfectionism Develops
Perfectionism often has roots in early experiences. You may have grown up in an environment where achievement was linked with love, approval, or safety. Perhaps mistakes were criticised, or vulnerability wasn’t welcomed. Over time, you may have internalised the belief that your worth is tied to performance.
Other times, perfectionism develops in response to feeling out of control. Setting strict personal standards can feel like a way to create order, even if it ultimately causes stress.
Whatever the origins, therapy can help you unpick these patterns and start relating to yourself in a more compassionate, realistic way.
How Therapy Can Help
At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we help people understand and work through the deeper layers of perfectionism—not just the behaviours, but the beliefs and emotions underneath.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
CBT helps identify the unhelpful thinking styles that drive perfectionism, such as all-or-nothing thinking (“If I don’t do it perfectly, I’ve failed”) or overgeneralisation (“If I mess this up, everyone will think I’m useless”). It also supports behavioural experiments, like doing something “well enough” and noticing that the world doesn’t fall apart.
CBT also works on procrastination, people-pleasing, and the fear of judgement—common features of perfectionism.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
CFT is particularly helpful for the harsh inner critic that often comes with perfectionism. It helps develop a kinder internal voice and encourages people to see themselves as worthy even when they’re not achieving.
Many perfectionists find self-compassion uncomfortable at first, but learning to respond to mistakes with kindness rather than criticism can be transformative.
Schema Therapy and EMDR
If perfectionism is rooted in childhood experiences—such as never feeling “good enough” or having to earn approval—Schema Therapy or EMDR may be helpful. These approaches go deeper into early patterns and help reprocess the emotional memories that still drive present-day behaviours.
Learning to Let Go—Just a Little
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean becoming careless or lazy. It means learning to be more flexible, realistic, and self-accepting. It’s about shifting from “I must be perfect” to “I’m doing my best—and that’s enough.”
Clients often report feeling lighter, more present, and more connected in their relationships when perfectionism loosens its grip. Life becomes less about performing, and more about living.
Support in Tunbridge Wells and Kent
If you’re exhausted by trying to be perfect all the time, or you’re struggling with anxiety, burnout, or self-criticism, we can help. At our Tunbridge Wells clinic, our Clinical Psychologists work with adults and young people facing the pressures of perfectionism.
We offer evidence-based therapy—including CBT, CFT, ACT, EMDR, and Schema Therapy—tailored to your needs. Whether you're dealing with work-related stress, academic pressure, or simply feeling stuck in your own high standards, you're not alone—and change is possible.
